Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Larry David's Dream Come True

I have a confession to make - I'm afraid of going to the deli at our local grocery store. And, I am not joking. The butcher/man behind the counter/whatever he is called is about the meanest person I've ever met. This guy is Larry David's dream come true and my greatest nightmare!

Well, here's an "unofficial" script of our dialogue.

My first trip to the deli at this unnamed store went as such.....
Me: "I'd like about 2 pounds of Turkey. Shaved, please."
Mr. Nightmare: "How do you want it?"
Me: "Huh?"
Mr. Nightmare: "Where should I set my blade?"
Me: "Oh. Um, I'd like it for sandwiches."
Mr. Nightmare: "SHAVED! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO SHAVE TURKEY." (In a loud voice, all the while shaving my turkey and not ever breaking a sweat.)
Me: "Oh, uh, sorry. I'll try to remember that."

My second trip to the deli....
Me: "Hi. Um, I'd like some turkey, and you don't have to do it shaved, just whatever will work for a sandwich! (Big smiles from me, hoping for happiness.)
Mr. Nightmare: (Glares at me, no conversation).
Me: "Ok, Mr. Nigh...Ok, um, have a nice day."

My third trip to the deli....
Me: "Hi. Can I have about 6 ounces of ham (I know it wasn't much, but it's what my recipe called for, and um, we're on a budget!)
Mr. Nightmare: "Ounces! WHAT! My machine don't do ounces!"
Me: "Um, then how about a half a pound."
Mr. Nightmare: "Well, that's not six ounces."
Me: "Well, I think that will work." (Dude, 2 ounces off...I think it's ok).
Mr. NIghtmare: "Well, wouldn't you know you'd pick the biggest block of meat we've got. Ugh...It's so HEAVY! (Glares at me, while again, not breaking a sweat).
Me: "Sorry. Didn't realize ham was so heavy."
Mr. Nightmare: (Slaps my ham down on the counter) "Here. Here's EXACTLY 6 ounces."
Me: Thank you. (How did he know what exactly 6 ounces was? Didn't we already establish that!)

Well, there you have it folks. Seinfeld would be proud. Larry David delighted. Me, well, I'm out of deli meat. Oh we go again!


  1. eeekkkk. he is mean. I think i would have already cried three times at his counter by now.

  2. Next time, throw the turkey/ham/meat at him and yell, "You know what, i don't want your turkey/ham/meat anyway. I've thought about it and have come to the conclusion that I'm making your life far too difficult. So, just keep the turkey/ham/meat. Captain Crazy Pants and I will just go to the regular lunch meat selection.

  3. You had me laughing out loud. Multiple times. In fact I read through this post twice and laughed out loud again! Oh Mr. Nightmare, it's no wonder they gave you the deli section. Can you imagine if he were a REAL butcher? yikes! Good thing his only weapon...eer tool is a ham shaver.